Parents Unable to Understand Returning Students' New Accents

Image by Brad Fulton via www.fedoras.com

JUST-OUTSIDE-OF-BOSTON, MA—Sharon Dwight was shocked when her child James Dwight came home from Elon for winter break with a strong Southern accent. James does not seem to acknowledge the change.

“He came into the house and asked what I was going to be ‘fixing up for supper,’” his mother recalled. “I thought that maybe he was just picking up new phrases at school, but he has been avoiding his old high school friends. I don’t know how to bring it up—he doesn’t seem to notice.”

When we talked to James, he felt particularly passionate about the topic of his old friends. “Why would I ever want to see those no good carpetbaggers?” he asked as he pulled a thread from where he cut off the sleeves of his Vineyard Vines shirt. He spits some chewing tobacco into a “Mommy and Me” decorated mason jar before continuing. “I understand that my ma is just worried ‘bout me—bless ‘er heart—but I just need to go back to my people.”

Countless other parents have reported very similar issues. In Connecticut, the Johnston family upsettingly reported that their child came home requesting to trade in his Porsche for an F-150. The student’s younger sister had a particularly angry tone as she mentioned how he had stolen her cowboy boots multiple times since coming home.

“He just takes them and stands on the porch with a stupid piece of straw in his mouth and looks at the sunset. It’s beginning to get really fuckin’ annoying,” she said.

The family expressed further frustration after an attempt to help their child went awry. After several requests for Cook Out, the parents tried to host a winter cookout but realized their mistake when their son flipped a table lined with hamburgers and hot dogs before storming off to his room. The family was too distressed to comment further.

This issue is not only affecting Northern families. Madeline White of Mobile, Alabama, called to tell A.S.S. about her son. “My sweet boy left for college in his overalls and came back to me in skinny jeans! Oh and don’t even get me started on his manners. He’s been using the Lord’s name in vain and calling everything a ‘vibe.’” His mother wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “I just don’t know what to do with him.”

We talked to the student—whose legal name was Hunter but is now going by X—and tried to understand where this sudden change came from.

“Bro Ion'no, I’m just vibin’. I do miss my homies though.” This was all he had to say before he continued trying to split dye his hair.

The Elon administration has acknowledged the problems this has been causing. They have added a translation hotline for both Southern and Northern families. If this affects you or a family you know, please call (336)-PLS-HELP to reach this service.