Winter Storm Warning: Elon Prepares for 10 Percent Chance of Snow

Update 1/30/21: This image was captured by a daring photographer during the height of the storm. (Photo credit: Greensboro News and Record)

ELON, NC ⁠— Elon University once again found itself in a frenzy after news of an impending wintery-weather mix broke this past weekend. Elon News Network reported a 10 percent chance of snow hitting Alamance County on January 30th. The snowstorm incited a flurry of reactions from parents, students, and faculty.

Giant trucks could be seen depositing rock salt onto the road on East Haggard Avenue. However, in a shocking reveal, it was discovered that the university’s entire seven-hundred-pound salt collection had, in fact, been used as Lakeside Dining Hall seasoning. In a frantic email, Vice President of Student Life Jon Dooley pleaded with sorority houses to donate their extra margarita salt to the cause.

The local Target reportedly ran out of milk, bread, and White Claw variety packs, citing desperate university students as the reason for the shortage.

One Target employee recalled the harrowing experience. “It was terrifying. The only flavor we have left is Ruby Grapefruit.”

The situation quickly deteriorated within the Elon community; Alamance police had even taken up posts outside the Target, preventing students from storming the alcohol aisle.

“This is by far the worst thing the police have ever done,” tweeted one self-proclaimed student activist.

James Jackson-Mills from Louisiana had reportedly been preparing for a disaster like this for months. He had equipped his dormitory with everything an Elon student might need: Don Julio tequila, snow tires for his Porsche, and his extra Xbox. He reportedly has had to turn away many native Floridians who came knocking on his door, citing “survival of the fittest.”

“The problem is,” Jackson-Mills told A.S.S. in an exclusive interview, “it’s hard to tell who is a real ‘prepper’ and who is faking for the clout. You’ve got some people from New Jersey posting weather forecasts on their Instagram stories acting like they’ve never seen snow before.”

“It’s basically like The Purge,” said sophomore Felicity Wyatt. “It’s a whole new ecosystem in here. The common currency has no value. I had to trade my Apple Watch for a single Cookout milkshake.”

Since Elon University rarely experiences weather below freezing temperatures, President Connie Book announced a brand-new initiative to help the community during this difficult time. “I hear you. I stand with you. Winter is a dark time for all of us,” President Book said, sipping a piña colada in her Bali hotel room. “This is why I am so pleased to announce the exclusive Snow Phoenix Lanyard. Similar to the Ready and Resilient Lanyard, the Snow Phoenix Lanyard will come in two fun shades.”

Surprisingly, the Snow Phoenix Lanyard did little to calm the nerves of students. “We really misread the situation. I guess there is a first time for everything,” read a private memo from Book to trustee Louis DeJoy.