Pledges Face New Humiliation as Hazing Moves to Zoom

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ELON UNIVERSITY–Despite the pandemic, life must go on, and this includes fraternity traditions. The brothers of the Sigma Mu Delta (SMD) fraternity have agreed to explain how they've changed their practices to fit the restrictions of COVID-19.

New member educator, Chett Bayless, explained how he adapted his role to an online setting. “Yeah, bro, at first not having pledges was no big deal. When I was at home, I had my mom do my dishes and get me food, and if I ever got angry, I had my little brother to beat the piss out of. When I got back to school it was a whole different story,” Bayless disclosed.

“We needed to find a way to get pledges during the pandemic, and the answer was Zoom.” Despite a few hiccups in the beginning – including a pledge only wearing a toga from the waist up standing up in front of his webcam – the transition has gone well.

While the brothers of SMD have had a smooth transition to their virtual learning, the pledges have not shared the same sentiment. “Have you ever asked your roommate if he can paddle you on Zoom? Because I have, and it is not fun,” complained an anonymous pledge when asked about his experience. "I didn't even have a paddle, I had to improvise with my roommates' old shower shoes. "

“It sucks, man,” said freshman Pat McGroin. He continued, “It was not easy to explain to my mom why I woke up our entire house trying to recreate Whitney Houston’s rendition of the National Anthem while completely covered in peanut butter at 3:45 a.m. on a Wednesday. It also wasn't easy to explain to the rest of my family that the peanut butter wasn't mislabeled as extra salty and chunky the next morning."

McGroin went on to explain, "when I'm at school, this all seems normal, but when I actually am around my family, it makes me take a step back and wonder what the fuck I'm doing.”

McGroin went on to explain that a typical night usually consists of exercises such as planks, pushups, and something called an “elephant walk.” What the “elephant walk” entails is a mystery, but judging by the faces of those interviewed, it must be strenuous.