Elon Rebrands as ‘Conservative Arts’ College

Photo Credit: www.wunc.org

ELON, NC–On Monday morning, President Book made the exciting announcement that Elon University will be rebranding itself as a “conservative arts” college.

“I’ve been hosting a lot of roundtable discussions with the local Burlies,” Book said, “and I’ve just come to realize that we, here at Elon, have lost our way. It’s time we said goodbye to liberalism and hello to conservatism.”

Beginning today, Elon University will no longer be a bubble of “free expression” where weirdos from every town “just outside of Boston” are celebrated. Instead, the university is going to be focusing on the three C’s that make America great: Christianity, Capitalism, and Constipated old white dudes.

To kick off this exciting transition, all students are asked to gather in Young Commons at 8:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning, where the Honorable Louis DeJoy will lead the Elon community in the Pledge of Allegiance and offer a morning prayer. Then, two of Elon’s most-favorite white students, Richard Hank Wangford II and Oak-Leigh Popplewell, will be accepting Elon’s new diversity award to honor their parents’ generous donations to the school.

Following the award ceremony, all students will be gifted a conservative goody bag containing Goya chickpeas, a brand-new MyPillow, and gift cards to Hobby Lobby and Chick-fil-A, both of which are expected to open stores on campus in the next few weeks.

With their goody bags in hand, students will proceed to Alumni Gym, where Provost Volety will give a presentation unveiling Elon’s exciting new conservative arts curriculum. A source close to Volety tells A.S.S. that the new curriculum will feature courses on free speech, fake news, and dispelling the myth of global warming.

Are you pumped for Elon’s rebranding to begin? “Like” this article for a chance to win a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag signed by President Book!