Elon to Construct Climate Controlled Parking Garage for Luxury Cars on Campus

Elon Unveils New Plans for a Luxury Parking Garage on Campus (Photo Credit: concreteindustries.com)

ELON, NC—In last week’s financial meeting, board members approved a student petition to construct a climate-controlled parking garage. This multi-level garage will be built ahead of the school’s latest planned megastructure, the “Innovation Quad,” given the desperate whining of students who think their sports cars deserve better than outdoor parking.

“I think it’s a long time overdue,” said freshman marketing major Kenneth P. “When Daddy bought me a Maserati for my 18th birthday, we were under the impression that the school would provide indoor storage. But boy, were we mistaken! I’ve had to double-park in the handicapped spots in Global for months now!”

Luckily, students like Kenneth don’t need to suffer anymore. Elon’s latest project will include full climate and humidity control with personalized double-size parking spaces, as well as an exclusive rooftop helipad. Additionally, the garage’s third floor will include a private Peloton spin studio and a fully stocked Nespresso bar to accommodate more homesick drivers.

When Elon's administration first unveiled their new plans, they received mixed reviews. “I don’t know,” said sophomore McKennedeigh W. “All of these features sound great, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing any of this with somebody who drives a Toyota, you know what I mean?” Other students agreed.

To alleviate these concerns, students who wish to use the garage must apply for a “Very Special Student” parking pass for the reasonable price of $450 a year, receiving varying access depending on the car they drive.

“We’ve decided to grant the first level “Maroon” access to members of Elon’s local car club, Elon Motorsports. If you can prove that you purposely made your car significantly louder than it was when you bought it, you can park on the first floor. Don’t worry, they’re not allowed upstairs,” President Book explained in a recent announcement.

To receive a level two “Gold” pass, students must prove they drive a reasonably nice car. Cars such as Jeeps, Mercedes, and even nicer BMWs will grant students a Gold Pass.

However, to receive the level three “Platinum Special Student'' Pass, students must submit registrations for obnoxiously expensive cars. Only students who drive Italian brands and can prove their parents spent over $100k on their car can enjoy the facilities on the third level of the garage.

The projected cost of this new garage is estimated to be approximately $20 million. Much like the rest of the university, the building will be made entirely out of bricks with a sleek, modern interior.

For students worrying about the cost, don’t! Elon Trustee Louis DeJoy has volunteered to cover the cost of the entire project with money he received from doing a favor for a “very powerful friend.” He has even taken the responsibility of personally overseeing construction, stating that he has earned a well-deserved break from sabotaging the United States Postal Service and could use a quiet place to lie low for a while.

Administration is proud to announce that the groundbreaking Louis DeJoy Parking Garage will open to appropriate members of the student body in the fall of 2021, finally shattering any pretense that Elon is a school for regular people once and for all.