Breaking News: Greek Life Immune to COVID-19; Bucket Praised as “Miracle Cure"

Photo Credit: The Times UK

ELON UNIVERSITY–Elon’s weekly COVID-19 testing, in conjunction with LabCorp, has recently yielded astonishing results. LabCorp has discovered that Greek life participants possess unique antibodies that provide immunity to the Coronavirus disease. “My colleagues and I were just absolutely flabbergasted,” said North Carolina’s lead LabCorp researcher, “and the most impressive aspect of the discovery is what is thought to cause the immune response: bucket.”

After receiving the LabCorp report documenting this unexpected discovery, world-renowned CDC Immunologist, Leonel Graff, extrapolated upon the findings. “So, what we’re seeing here is young adults who are in close contact: partying with one another, exchanging respiratory droplets through sharing alcoholic beverages, Marijuana glassware, and electronic cigarettes. They’re touching contaminated surfaces and further contaminating each other through bodily contact, such as through sexual relations, ” explained Dr. Graff. “And what’s interesting is, despite defying all known means of transmission, their bodies are actually destroying the virus upon contact. What stimulated the production of this effective antibody? Well, my team at the CDC believes it could emanate from an immune response to the consumption of a liquid known as bucket.”

Dr. Graff, in collaboration with the CDC, immediately began bucket research:

“We asked Elon’s Sigma Mu Delta (SMD) fraternity to provide the ingredients of bucket to better understand the trigger of this immune response, because this has the potential to be the ‘miracle cure’ of the novel Coronavirus. Members of SMD described bucket as an elixir of vodka, rum, tequila, and fruit punch. The qualities that make it an effective antidote, though, are one: the alcoholic content must be incredibly cheap and low quality, two: abundant amounts of germs and bacteria must be introduced to the solution through the repeated submersion of hands and Solo® cups, and three: the contaminated solution must saturate in a dark, humid room for at least a few hours.”

Elon’s Greek life community is exhilarated by the recent scientific discovery. Sororities and fraternities gathered on Young Commons to darty after being notified of their results by LabCorp. “We were going hard since day one this year, okay? So, you know, nothing has really changed with all this antibody stuff,” said SMD member Jake Bradley at the celebration. “We’re gonna continue to party. We just don’t need to worry anymore about getting sick and dying and shit. It was getting annoying being careful; the brothers and I all had to snort lines using different dollar bills. It was getting expensive.” Sigma Theta Delta (STD) members were puzzled by the science behind the cure but were nonetheless thrilled. “I mean, yeah, I guess we just have antibodies that GDIs just don’t have,” Ashley-Sarah-Marie Smith commented, holding a bottle of Pink Whitney. “Yeah, like, I just think our sisterhood is too strong to be taken down by something as small as a virus,” responded McKinleigh Haleigh, nodding.

The CDC, led by Dr. Graff, will begin working closely with SMD to establish bucket as an effective, readily-available cure to COVID-19. “Apparently, SMD has developed the formulation flawlessly,” said Dr. Graff. “With their help, we hope to immunize two-thirds of the American population by 2022 using the bucket method.” A.S.S reached out to SMD president Chadwick Stratton Brooks for a statement regarding their involvement in this revolutionary act of science. “Yeah, I mean, SMD is pretty fuckin’ excited to cure the GDIs with our signature bucket. And we’re always down to help out our brothers at CDC, you know, Chi Delta Chi or whatever. We’re all about that panhellenic love,” Stratton Brooks said with a smile.