Elon Staff Hospitalized After the Craze of 'Poké-Jon, GO!'

Image by Serebii and Elon University

(Rare siting of Jon Dooley before disappearing)

ELON, NC–A new app developed by Elon University, “Poké-Jon, GO!”, was officially launched last Tuesday. A game designed to find random admin around campus while gaining points. The best catch everyone is going nuts to find is, of course, Mr. Vice President of Student Life himself, Jon Dooley.

The game displays an avatar, the student, who goes around campus looking for certain staff or administration. As you progress, you are able to unlock super cool collectibles to make your avatar look like you. From leggings and hoodies to Sperry’s and Golden Goose shoes, you can make your clone.

So far, “Poké-Jon, GO!” is one of the most successful apps to be created on Elon’s campus. 87% of students on campus report having downloaded the game, with the other 13% being freshmen who don’t even know who Jon Dooley is yet.

Students earn points depending on who they catch. The game is designed to take players to “hot spots” where Dooley is often found: any dining hall, on-campus events, and your emails.

“I’ve been running around all day to find this man and I have to find him before anyone else does! If not, I’m gonna lose my chance to getting to level 45,” a local gamer Ben Dover said breathlessly before running away.

However, this game comes with dangerous turns. Certain students have been responsible for the hospitalization of various staff members after participating in multiple “Doolings”. To initiate the dooling, students gather at The Boobs, the most voluptuous place on campus, and use their strongest captured admin to battle one another. The last one standing wins, bringing their trainer closer to the grand prize; a diploma to graduate early.

We visited CREDE Assistant Director Kiah Glen in the hospital after her “dool” with Randy Williams.

“Mmmmphss horrible pain,” she said through her face cast, “mmmmhm mmhmm need to take mhmmm down oww oww.”

Yet, this is not how sophomore Maya Normusbutt views it, she shares her opinion with A.S.S.,

“That shit was wicked! I only had one more dool before I had enough wins to leave this shit hole”

It has been reported that Dooley has hired secret security to protect him against anyone catching him. This is in response to students showing up multiple times to his house, threatening his wife and kids for information on his location. You can catch a glimpse at Dooley’s guards as they are stationed all around Alamance building.

“Deadass, no one is safe. My boyfriend was tackled to the ground by Dooley security because he got close,” Recounts freshman Hugh Jass while wearing a new, now on sale, “Poké-Jon, GO!” lanyard. “ Yesterday, my friend was almost run over by the bio bus because she thought she saw Dooley on the other side. Turns out it was just Jeff Stein.”

We tried to find Jon Dooley for comments, but he was still in hiding from students with a few other admin. Gotta catch them all!