Golden Goose, Canada Goose, and Grey Goose: Trio of Geese Commandeer Elon Sorority

Photo Credit: www.publicdomainpictures.net

ELON, NC—In recent weeks, the wealthiest members of Elon’s affiliated Greek life have stepped up their partying game to get shwasted before COVID-19 cases surge once more. This select group of affluent students from various fraternities and sororities have formed an elite underground party scene which they have infamously dubbed the "Three Goose Club" or "Goose Club" for short. In order to keep party attendance at Connie-approved levels, members of the Three Goose Club have enacted a rigorous theme and dress code that hopeful members must follow if they wish to attend. As a result, Elon’s nightlife has been overtaken by three awfully expensive geese, each more outlandish and bougie than the last.

Keep an eye out for girls wearing tennis shoes that bear some resemblance to Converse and appear to have been run through a rancid pile of horse shit. These are Golden Goose sneakers, the only high-end shoe brand in the world that is purposefully designed to look like they belong to a troll living under an exceptionally filthy bridge. Golden Goose sneakers may cost over half a grand, but their beat-up design is ideal for disguising the toxic sludge that often permeates the floors of frat houses and other popular party locations, making these shoes perfect for dartys and nartys alike.

The second Goose to beware of is the notorious Canadian Goose, a luxury down feather coat brand that party attendees are also expected to wear if they are to be allowed inside. These poofy-ass, PETA-approved jackets are hard to distinguish from your run-of-the-mill winter coat, so keep an eye out for the red brand on the arm which slightly resembles the armbands used in Nazi Germany. “The rule is that you can’t take off your jacket, even once you're inside,” reveals Goose Club member Ana Loveland. “It’s hotter than Hell itself, so naturally everyone eventually started ripping holes in the armpits of their jackets. It helps cool you off. Plus, the loose feathers make it feel like a pillow fight themed rager.” It seems that the plus side of ripping up a $1,000 goose feather down jacket is that the feathers themselves are of the highest quality, making them ideal for those hoping to post aesthetic pillow fight party pictures on the ‘gram.

Everyone knows the best of things come in threes, so there is of course one final requirement: all attendees must bring their own bottle of Grey Goose Vodka, which will act as an offering to the party’s host. “The Grey Goose is collected at the door and poured into a communal punch bowl meant to ensure equitable access to alcohol for all partygoers,” explains Chad Johnson, the mastermind behind the triple goose theme. "The Three Goose Club prides itself on treating its members equally regardless of race, religion, gender orientation, sexual orientation, or nationality. We believe in the fair treatment and even distribution of resources to all members, so long as they have the wealth necessary to join our prestigious ranks."