'We Weren't Prepared': President Book Responds to Skater Pandemic

Photo credit: Charles Russo via Half Moon Bay Review, edited by cnielsen2

ELON, NC -- After several months of silence, President Connie Book has finally issued a response to the growing infestation of skater boys that have plagued Elon’s campus, sending out a six minute video statement to faculty, staff, and students last week.

“I understand your concerns,” said Book in her address, holding a confiscated skateboard. “For the past few months there has been a steady uptick in skateboard traffic on Elon’s campus, but it is nothing to worry about. I assure you, our Rolling and Resilient program is working diligently to secure and contain all skateboards and longboards, should this skating pandemic grow further out of control.”

Along with her statement, President Book issued out a list of helpful guidelines for all students to adhere to, in hopes of stunting the skater boys’ growth, displayed in a handy four-step program:

• Limit all skater boy interaction to the bare minimum. That ollie over the stairs might look cool now, but you’ll regret it later.

• Monitor your cultural footprint. If you or someone you know has suddenly wanted to binge-watch Beavis and Butthead, call the Health and Wellness center immediately.

• Avoid high-risk music at all costs. Honestly, it’s probably better if you take a break from streaming Goldfinger at 3 a.m.. Please.

• Wear preppy outfits-- nothing repels the urge to hop on a board than wearing a fully buttoned polo shirt.

Though some students are up in arms over these strict conditions, many are relieved that some change is finally being made. One such student, Jennifer Banks, sees the recent statement as a step in the right direction.

“It’s gotten pretty bad. More than people think,” Banks explained. “People just keep showing up out of the blue -- I could have sworn that I saw the entire cast of Jackass jumping into a fountain last week. In fact, just the other day I was walking to Acorn Coffee and heard some guy in his car shouting ‘do a kickflip!’ at a bunch of skaters. It was terrifying.”

Surprisingly enough, some of the skaters themselves are showing support for President Book’s changes. Under strict precautions, one of our reporters managed to look inside the tent erected on the Hunt B parking lot and found, according to quarantined skater Bailey Lutz, “a skater’s paradise.”

“It’s like my dream come true, man,” Lutz said, scuffing up his board’s wheels. “Everywhere you look, there’s someone just like you. If you bail, you’ll get, like, six hands offering to help you up. Well, after they finish laughing, that is.”

When asked about Book’s plan to get rid of the skaters, Lutz was still unusually enthusiastic, citing, “this school needs to cull some of these posers. It’s getting kind of ridiculous. Look-- ten people! Count ‘em, pushing mongo. Ugh!” before carrying his board off in a mall grab.

President Book has promised to uphold her part in continuing to maintain the skater boy infestation, hoping to reduce their presence on campus by at least 10% by May. However, some eyewitness accounts say Book is complicit, last seen doing a pop shove-it over the Lakeside terrace to collect the S-K-A-T-E letter combo. As it stands, Elon’s current skating future is uncertain.